It's Been A Process To Get Here

Wow, my head is spinning and my heart is in overdrive. The thorough shaking and stirring that reordered my world has started to set in and today I can write. How could the horrible upheaval bring me to the first step of what I have been desiring for so long? Like poor old Alfie, I must figure out what it all means and I intend to do just that. In time of course. Today's writing will be random and seem a jumble, but it is just all the pieces of the puzzle being poured from the box onto the table to be sorted before beginning to construct the picture. So...

I thought I'd hate being 50, but today being 50 feels like freedom.

Jackie O said (paraphrasing) being the best mother you can be is what matters and I agree. I once read in an interview with Kelly McGillis (Top Gun.... remember her?) that having her first daughter saved her life. I may have even gasped out loud because she put into words what I felt and didn't know to express. My children saved my life and they are my life. However, I want a piece of life that is my own so my kids can be proud of me and that is what I am going to work on. My blog will help be my record.

I never much cared for Spring before, but this year feels different. There is sunshine today and though cold, the possibility of warmer days feels palpable to me. Am I looking desperately for hope or is hope finding me and telling me she's here and I am not alone? I have a situation I am working on, it is serious and I feel its weight. I'm praying to be able to live up to what is required and I swing from confidence to doubt. But, doubt is not killing me... is it wisdom I've learned? Have I developed a little of what I've always admired in other (strong) women? Does 50 do this to all of us? Maybe I am a late bloomer? (Story of my life.) Can I do what is needed of me? I believe I can. (Today anyway.) Can I keep this feeling? I'm going to try.

Yeah I Did It!

January 28, 2010

Yeah, I did it! Started blog account! To do list is huge, but at least I got this far!